<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>searching too hard. by mountsky</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26684047">searching too hard.</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/mountsky/pseuds/mountsky'>mountsky</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Haikyuu!!</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Best Friends, Introspection, M/M, POV Second Person, Pining</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 10:28:54</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>805</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26684047</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/mountsky/pseuds/mountsky</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>It is late, the W4 bus is shaky, and his head drops to your shoulder without any warning.</p><p>It drops without his permission and that makes you tense. </p><p>Your own was granted years ago.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Kita Shinsuke/Ojiro Aran</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>75</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>searching too hard.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>please listen to <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NbzRiyfvk60">nothing without you</a>by tanerelle</p><p>i guess this was more of a character exploration, i dont know. let me know what you think! second pov is very new for me :)</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>It is late, the W4 bus is shaky, and his head drops to your shoulder without any warning. </span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>It drops without his permission and that makes you tense. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Your own was granted years ago, when you had first noted the exact part of your shoulder that his cheek would reach. And when the distance between you stayed the same despite seeing second and third year with him.</span>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <span>You are not low on his list of priorities. But there are others. Those he puts before himself, those that you put before yourself. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>You are not low and you think that is something you are able to live with. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Until you catch the sight of his smile, after training as the sun sets. Until you catch the way his eyes light up when you offer to walk with him to the bus stop.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Until you catch yourself in the midst of wishing that you could be selfish enough to demand his attention, demand that smile pressed into the curve of your neck, demand those eyes watching you. Demand his love and affection.</span>
</p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>You know, deep down in the darkest cavities of your desperation, that his attention would tear you to pieces. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>You want it all the same. </span>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <span>It is late and Kita's stop is still ten minutes away. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>You are living in his presence, breathing in his scent, loving him on borrowed time. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He shifts in your arms and for a brief moment you recall how fleeting life is without the solid, grounding, weight of him pressed into your chest. </span>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <span>It is too late for you to beg the universe to keep him there forever. <br/>
<br/>
</span>
</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p>
  <span>You are low on his list of priorities and you accept that your position isn’t likely to change. No matter what world you find yourself in.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Because if it did, you can’t help but wonder if you would ache for him as purely as you do right now. In this world.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Your train of thought takes you over the hills of Hyogo, through the pale pink clouds, by the glistening lake, turning from a warm blue to a deep green. He sleeps through the view.</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>You wonder and wonder and wonder.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>What if he let you love him?</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>What if he let you hold him?  If he let you sweep the hair out his eyes, kiss the delicate skin behind his ear, hold his rough hands in your own and cherish them. </span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>If he opens his palms for your fragile beating heart.</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>If he let you adore him,  how long would it take him to hate the burden of it?</span>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <span>It is late at night. The W4 hosts the two passengers up front besides you and your best friend.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>To the left of Kita's sleeping form, the trees rush past the window. </span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>The bus struggles over a speed bump and he stays asleep in your arms, as though he likes it there. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The light above the driver flickers with his every breath. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It turns off and he shifts in your arms. Arms that you know you didn't receive permission to embrace him with. You hold your breath and plead for another minute of this, another second.</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>The universe has had enough of humouring you, it seems. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>-</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The light flickers on and when he wakes you swallow the words you can't imagine voicing. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>When he wakes, the imprint of the creases in your sweater have claimed the suppleness of his cheek. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>When he wakes and he realises for the thousandth time that he's fallen asleep on you, and for the nine hundred and ninety nineth of those times your arms, that had not been there before, have kept him secured. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>When he is face to face with your devotion, brimming in the quiet space between your lips and his. </span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>When the moment ends and the time runs out and the universe demands you give it back one of its most prized possessions. </span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>Only then do you let yourself breathe out. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>You turn away, and you don't let him make you a priority.</span>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <span>It is much too late and Kita stands when the bus creeps to a stop. </span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>By the now the sun has set, the moon takes its place in illuminating the love of your life. </span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“Goodnight, Aran-kun,” he says. </span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>And your heart trembles, shivers, screams with the intensity of your emotion. </span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>You press your hand against your chest as you watch him descend, chasing the warmth his cheek had left. </span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>You rub at your pounding heart and you let your eyes flutter shut. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>You choke on declarations that you keep heavily guarded.</span>
</p><p>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“Goodnight, Shinsuke,” you breathe to the closing doors. </span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>The W4 drives you away from him. </span>
  <span>You don’t let him make you a priority. </span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>The W4 drives you away. </span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>And you wonder, if the universe would be as kind again tomorrow. </span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>-</span><br/>
<br/>
</p>
  </div></div>
</body>
</html>